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| The only thing that I could think about nowadays are, when am I going to get off of my arse and start making things happen for myself. I started, I moved, I pivoted, and I am slowly getting myself back on track to attain the dreams that I have always thought extremely difficult, but highly attainable. I started to wonder, will i have enough time for myself, for my friends, for my family, and have room left for a potential wonderful whole person who would just make me even happier and my life even easier! So having gone through, yet, another unfortunate and difficult relationship, I am actually very relieved that it happened this way. I've never been so caught off guard, never thought that I would succumb to the willingness to do the unspoken. I'm really glad that I did put myself out there, this time. Glad that i tried out what I doubted and granted my instincts a bit more credit with its crisp validity.
Although I am quite frightful of life, I'm very afraid that something terrible that could happen where I have trusted someone who will end up hurting me. Wait, that already happened. Being in a physically abusive relationship, but thinking I was condoned with such punishment due to my inability to trust in others was the most SORRY excuse I have ever heard myself saying. I don't know where and how I started my insanity. Even today, I cannot decipher the specifics that made me silly enough to believe that it was okay to get shoved, pushed, bruised, bled, bitten, and saddened with disappointment that I didn't just stand up and walk away. I didn't walk away because I was living in a house with roommates, and I was told and foolishly believed that my name was on the lease, and hence I had legal binding to the house. I didn't walk away because I didn't know where I could go. I didn't want to tell my family because I was afraid they'll just laugh at me. I didn't want to share it to others around me because they would just call me crazy and take his side when he tells them I'm crazy. How stupid can a person really have to be to place herself in such misery. I tell myself everyday, while being in that relationship that I am getting a taste of misery. I'm experiencing that feeling a person feels when they have been mistreated. I'm putting myself there as punishment for every wrong thing I could have possibly done wrong to that person in that relationship and for the other guys I have hurt.
I've thought about it, everyday, for a year. I have been honest. I stuck up to what I believed in. I defended my points with evidence and provided backbone to every argument I set foot in. Truly, I could have provoked some of the inconvenience, discomfort, and even perhaps encouraged the negativity in my relationships, but ultimately, I never encouraged dishonesty, intentionally place discomfort and stir inconvenience into my life.
I chose to test the waters and I got a taste of what it would be like when I'm going against my intuition and instincts. I have experienced the loss one must experience to fully understand the true value and defined what the "right" relationship one wants to be in.
This is good. Scarred, but good.
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| Staring at my crackled sole, my unpolished toe nails, my warn out slippers, dressed in my drenched clothes, and my hair frazzled from the drastic weather changes...I felt nothing.
This feeling isn't disbelief, it's not the feeling of being abandoned, stranded, or alone. This feeling is nothing negative in any sense, rather it's very positive, motivating, and invigorating. I have felt this similar feeling before, the one where I'm in this battlefield holding up my sword and shield. This time, this battle wasn't just one of those petty ones with a black or white answer. No one won and no one lost.
I wish I could hate. I wish I could make that strict distinction of the right and the wrong. I wish I could just make sense of it all and see the most clear picture. Life isn't like math, there is no right answer. Every decision is a good one depending upon how I look at it, learn from it, and move on. I can't belittle, I can't hate, I can't firmly dislike someone for what they did to me, or what they have done in their lifetime.
This was the first time in my life where I had given someone a chance to win me over even though I felt so afraid to trust. It was the first time I allowed to make friends with people of whom I heard so many bad stories, but was willing to set it aside to get to know them. It was the first time that even though I suspected so much, I relied on my eyes and the physical evidence to tell me the truth. Even then, I don't know the truth. I don't know someone's true intentions, I don't know what the other person is thinking. I simply just cannot judge people anymore.
I cannot be cautious because there really isn't anything to be cautious about. There is nothing someone can take from me that will make me feel as if I lost it all. I can become naked and not be ashamed, if that's what it takes to save the world.
I'm very willing to put myself out there, I just needed to be ready.
There is nothing that can stop me, I've only held back thinking this is the right thing to do. I'm not feeling guilty, resentment, or regret. I feel absolutely nothing.
Silly of me to believe that this feeling of nothingness was bad. | | |
| This is it. I think this is it. This is the epiphany I have been waiting for. Although I am still unsure of what I want to establish in my life, I am certain that there are certain things about "love" and "relationships" that nobody can ever make sense of. Even after going through the psychology classes that I have taken and reading books after books of behavioral science, I still cannot scientifically explain the reason why humans are so incapable of being certain.
When we say we love someone, is it really, LOVE? What is LOVE? So the Bible has described it as:
love is patient,
love is kind,
love does not envy,
love is not arrogant.
love endures all things.
However, through my experiences, I have learned that there are different types of love. However, I know for sure, that love is supposed to last forever. If it doesnt, it wasn't love at all, but a mere illusion that tis was love that one has experienced. One who exists in an unhealthy relationship, where love was developed out of lies, it is very difficult to revoke such love that was given and erase such feelings from the victim who was fooled into loving. Poor Moms and Dads.
Next thing in mind...why are people killing others nowadays? | | |
| I am sorry for every time I had done anything remotely to hurt you. I resent every wrong thing I had done for you, and I resent every nice things I did for you and credit it. I should've known better and treated you better. You deserve all greatness that this world has to offer. | | |
| Highly annoyed of personality transformations, highly irritated by the itchiness of unkindness, easily amused by despicable things-all boils down to head shaking
I read the bible yesterday because I wanted to be better equipped the next time a strong God believer approaches me with utterance that if I don't act fast enough, I will burn in hell. I smirked. I do not have the knowledge nor a good understanding of what the end of the world is going to be like. I have no clue if anyone's soul will be rescued from death. I believe that truly everyone has "sinned." I do not believe that those who say they believe in God have the upper hand to ALL those who do not. I know a lot of people who are believers of God but fail to follow through and genuinely believe that it is necessary for one to perform good deeds and be a good person. I have yet to meet a person who is a strong believer of God and follows through. I have met a handful of people who are genuinely great individuals who, despite their beliefs, would do whatever they can for the sake of others and less for themselves. I greatly appreciate and love such individuals who suffer for the world and never complain. If you are reading, Thank you.
I am not a righteous person. | | |
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